Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
