i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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