I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
