I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I need to calm my uterus...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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