I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
