My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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