Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
