hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
