You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
