I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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