Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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