Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
