I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm at about main and main street
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
