I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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