Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
this is an emotional support booty call
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
