Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
