Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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