New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
