If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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