she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
