You just made me feel so damn special
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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