Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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