She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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