I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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