No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
