remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
