i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
