we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
