I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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