omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
