david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
