I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
