Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
