Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
