i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
