I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
