He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
