i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
