i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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