we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
