Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
