stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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