I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
