you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
