So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
