Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
