I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
