The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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