Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
