Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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